2009-02-10 15:44 | Scraping sharpened metal on my legs… funtime!

Now I will wait for the hundreds of concerned comments that explain to me patiently, as if I am a slow learner, that if I have any sort of skin problems after shaving off perfectly normal hair from a perfectly healthy body part that doesn't need to have the hair removed from it, I am obviously doing it wrong and if I just use X product that cost X amount of dollars and was invented just for this purpose, and if I do X time consuming beauty ritual before I do the totally unnecessary shaving thing, then I won't have those annoying problems! Most of the time. Although it seems to me the most efficient and cost effective way to avoid having those problems is to, you know – not do it.

- Amananta, commenting in Use it or lose it: humanity vs porn over at I Blame The Patriarchy.

I do still shave my legs.  I have tried just not shaving them, but I die in a pool of anxiety once there's the chance I'll be engaging in clothing-optional activities with anyone.  Where "anyone" includes people who have explicitly stated that they don't care, explicitly stated that they prefer I don't (stubble suck, you know), or don't shave themselves.

I kind of wish I could get over that more.  While I do like the feeling of smooth legs, (a) that only lasts for the better part of a day, and then the suck settles in, and (b) I actually also like the feeling of not having shaved for ages.  It's kind of pleasant.  And, yeah, saves time, water, and bandaid money.

2008-11-07 00:50 | Full. of. politics.

This has been sitting in my head for a couple of days now. It's a jumble of thoughts and things. Like my head.

To be completely honest–

Which means "Usually I don't talk about this", not "Usually I lie about this". I am so picky about that phrase, I swear.

–I don't usually pay attention to politics, largely because I can't. And I am using "can't" nonliterally – yes, I could pay attention, but the problem is twofold:

1) I need to be able to get out of bed in the morning, for serious. I posted this elsewhere: I know it probably makes me a weak person, but I strongly prefer to get my news from feminist-leaning sites (as that's my strongest leaning; after that is "generic moderate-liberal"), because it helps knowing someone is on my side. A real-life equivalent would be reading newspaper sections aloud to a like-minded friend (or having them read it, whatevs) – I feel less alone.

2) I am not good with my time sense, so it's hard for me to process… I can't explain this well. I can't see the forest for the trees, is the best expression. I see all the little things piling up day after day, and it's fantastically hard for me to pull back and go "Things are improving", in a way that leaves me feeling like my contributions even matter.

Not to mention the usual anxy things of "What if I don't have all the facts?" and so forth. Feh.

But damn, yall, Obama. I seriously teared up when he gave his speech on Tuesday. I've been watching videos and viewing photos all day today, and have continued to get all sniffly. I tried looking at McCain videos/pictures, but it turns out I'm not always big on schadenfreude. Earlier on Tuesday, I went to the elections office to drop off my ballot*, and I was practicing thinking of other people as real, important individuals, even if I don't know or like them. I couldn't turn that off for the McCain folk, it seems.

* Oregon has mail-in ballots, but I don't trust the USPS, and I do trust my anxy procrastination. Sounds weird, but it's true. And hey, I dropped off my ballot, with plenty of time to spare. Portland made it wicked easy – it's right on a bus route, and they had street signs for directing traffic to the drive-up drop-off box. *pleased* I like it here.

And he and his wife are going to get their kids a shelter dog on the way to the White House. Good heavens, I beamed so widely at that.

I rankle at people talking about how we should get to work now. But then, I tend to rankle when people are being patronising. copperwise here put it best: "Quite a few people are posting cranky things which indicate to me that they don't know the difference between hope and naivety." And Naamah encapsulates it perfectly:

I'm not expecting anything out of Obama, really, more than some good speeches, looking swell, and not embarrassing us to the world at large. And being able to say "nuclear." WE are the ones who have to do all the work. And that is the part that makes me think we chose well. We chose someone who CAN inspire that in us, and who won't attempt to tear it all down.

HELLO YES THX.

It's not hope like blind faith. It's hope like inspiration, like motivation.

2008-10-31 23:43 | "No!"

I can't, however, post much about my reaction to the end of the last episode of season 4, because it strikes too close.  Maybe later I'll be able to talk about what an utter loss that was, and how angry I am at the ending… but not any time soon.

2008-10-31 23:29 | "And I divide them."

A bit about Doctor Who, season 4.  There was, "was" because this came out ages ago, a bit of feminist commentary about how Donna was cast as the non-attractive one.

If the "more" link doesn't work in LJ, then potential spoilers alert, for the end of season 4.  (This is the first time I've used the "more" thing in Wordpress, so what do I know.)

(more…)

2008-10-30 10:03 | Begrated.

Yesterday I was grateful for being lonely.

I have been full of geeking lately (doing web and db work for friends, creating a new site for myself, streamlining processes at work, teaching myself some programming to make things, and so forth), which meant I was totally ignoring my emotional/interpersonal needs.  So yesterday I got home and was all "*slump*".  And since I have extremist tendencies, it's very easy for me to slide into despair.

But instead, I reminded myself that I have been neglecting myself in the abovementioned ways, and so what is needed isn't gloom, it's to redress the balance.  And to let myself feel lonely (as I also tend to deny myself a bit).

So I pinged my boyfriend to see what he'd be doing on Tuesday, and I'm going to maybe call this local-person-I-could-be-friends with to see if she'd like to watch a movie and eat popcorn.

It all sounds terrifically silly when I write it down, but considering how I used to handle things, this is infinitely better.

2008-10-24 08:40 | Where have I gone?

I have visited 20 states (40%). Create your own visited map of The United States!

My ex and I drove from Massachusetts to Oregon, which explains a goodly portion of these. I only counted those states we stopped in – so we visited his brother in Santa Fe, Arizona, and went to Las Vegas, and so forth.

2008-04-17 09:00 | I have fitday.com blocked on every machine I use.

So I'm trying out this intuitive eating thing.  I'm not good at it, because the first step is coming to terms with the fact that I have to eat.  *annoyed*  Sometimes it works, though – this was my thought process while at the store the other… week, I think:

- Dammit, I should get something to eat for dinner.
- What do I want to eat?
- Not the usual pasta/rice crap.  The sameness is aggravating.
- I don't want a salad, though…
- I kind of want something chewy.
- Oh!  Chicken?
- Yes!  Chicken and mashed potatoes and corn and gravy!  Okay.

And so I got that and it was delicious.  Hm.

I'm reminded of this because currently I would slaughter whole computers for a thing of cherry-flavoured Jello, and I have no reasoning for this a'tall.

In other news, I said that I was no longer going to step on scales, since when I do, it goes poorly for me.  I have this thing in my head about trimming numbers down as far as I can, which is great for file sizes but really bad for my body.  I'm extending this to include "Also, I will tell doctor-folk this so they won't tell me my weight".  Because I'm smart!

2008-01-13 02:05 | Naturally, I'm listening to that song right now.

First story.

When I was 21-or-22, my boyfriend-at-the-time, his wife, her boyfriend, and I went to a concert in the woods – World Concert, or something like that.  It had all manner of flavours of bands – Irish folk music, bluegrass, something with African drums, something with almost more instruments than band members, and so forth.  (I can't recall them all.  Though I can recall that it was in/near a forest, as I got splinters in my feet.)

One band was the Nigerian Brothers, and they did amazing things with drums and vocals.  I was there in a black top and some blue wrap as a skirt-like thing.  I wanted to dance, but I saw people towards the front of the crowd doing Real Dance Maneuvers, and I wasn't that good, so I didn't.  But then I noticed that a lot of people were just doing the two-step dance – not really a dance, more like "I'm moving back and forth, hurrah".

I want to note that I don't mock them for this.  Hell, I was doing that.  But I thought, "I'm not as good as the group up front, but I can maybe move better than these folk around me."  So, I closed my eyes and stomped along.  It was fantastic.  Later, I got a couple of people asking me where I learned to dance like that, in admiring tones.  "From the people at the front."

Second story.

I was at this club in Boston, years ago.  It's located on Lansdowne street, and it has a downstairs that's open and an upstairs that's more like a bar with a dance space, and that's all I remember about it.  The downstairs was playing house music, and the upstairs was playing rock music, mostly from the 80s.  I was, as you can imagine, upstairs.  And no one was dancing.  No one.

Then, the DJ played "Dancing With Myself" by Billy Idol.  "Well there's nothing to lose / And there's nothing to prove / I'll be dancing with myself"

So, I went up on the dance floor, by myself, and I danced.  By myself.  Oh man.  By the end of the song, a couple of other people had come up to dance – I assume they were emboldened by my willingness to, you know, dance with myself.

And now, the point.

I keep saying I want to write more here, but I keep not doing it.  Instead, I fill this blog with links to other people's words.  And part of it is because these words and links are amazing, but part of that is anxiety – what if I write something that annoys someone?  What if I write something and I'm wrong, or I get something wrong?  Aiee!

Well, if I annoy someone, then they have every opportunity to not read what I write.  And if I'm wrong about something, or if I'm ignorant about something, then that's an opportunity to learn.  It's possible that I will anger someone that I respect, but all I can do is be willing to learn if I'm wrong or ignorant, and be determined to be myself, whoever that is, regardless.

So.

Hello, world.

2007-07-27 11:02 | A great post on size-related issues.

Don't You Realize Fat Is Unhealthy?, by Kate Harding.

I am thin.  I'm 5'10", and the most I've weighed is 150#; I usually weigh between 140# and 145#.  (It fluctuates based on how sedentary I'm being, PMS, depression, diet, and I think meteorites.)  Allow me to absolutely confirm her point, that thin != healthy.  For lo, I eat like shit.

And I swear to holy fuck, I think every two out of three articles I read about weight and being fat include something about BMI, including this one.  Dear the world: BMI is a steaming pile of shit.  Instead of treating it like a true metric, try treating it like a stupid internet quiz, instead.

2007-03-14 13:32 | I still don't like cleaning.

Amanda writes about cleaning the house.

As I said in there, I always feel weird when reading about chore-wars, because my boyfriend is far more tidy than I.  What it tends to come down to for us is each of us trying to be fair to the other (I try to clean more, he tries to not give me hell), and we have a weekly cleaning hour-or-so set up.  We haven't had a cleaning argument in quite a while, so apparently we're doing something right.

It helps that a lot of things are separate.  We have separate areas, we each do our own laundry, and even our cats (my one, his two) have two litterboxen.  (To be fair, the last is due to my kitty having cancer.)  Sometimes I have a weird desire to merge more, to be more partner-ly, but the rest of the time I figure we're doing pretty okay.

2006-12-02 18:35 | Find the world in 30 days or fewer!

You know, sometimes I wonder if I should start some sort of "How To Search" thing.  A series of posts, perhaps.  I'm not certain this would be something I'm good at, since I view myself as being naturally very good at doing searching, and I've often noticed that being naturally very good at something has no relation to being able to teach it to others.

Allow me to elaborate on the "naturally" part.  First, I waaay more often than not find what I want, even when it's obscure.  Second, I've had friends ask me to find things because they see that I usually can, I suppose.  (I never thought to ask why, since the challenge of finding $thing is great and powerful.  I'm not being sarcastic.)  Third, I 'unno, people often comment on "How did you ever find $thing?", and I have ears with which to listen.  Summary: I'm not being a pompous ass, nor am I attempting to set up a competition.  Moving on.

I think it's because I've been increasingly bothered by some people's inability to perform basic searches.  Today's example: finding people in a contact database.

When I use a contact database, if I don't find 'Philip', I try 'Phillip'.  If I don't find 'Laurie', I type in 'Laur' and see if anything comes up, then try again with 'Lor'.  On 'Robert', I try 'Bob', and so forth.  I search based on the company name, the contact name, and the phone number, and any permutation of these is valid.  Is the company name PPI Contractors?  Did I try P.P.I., P P I, and maybe any consonant that rhymes with P?  Did I check all three phone fields, and did I ask the customer if maybe another number was used?

To me, this is all extremely basic.  It's a trade-off of 30 seconds to search versus a potential duplicate contact record in the database.  It cannot possibly be that hard.

And yet…

"What drivers do I need for my Logitech trackball mouse?"  Search at logitech.com for the model name or number; barring that, use Google, and search for '$model $model_number driver'.  If this all fails, email the company directly and ask "Seriously, wtf?".

This can't be hard!

So I'm thinking of doing a sort of "Today's searching tip", but I'm torn as to whether to post my own tips, or to do a Google search for 'how to search', and post tips from there.  Of course, no one ever said that information and irony are mutually exclusive…

2006-10-28 00:09 | Feminism and my brain.

I used to be the sort of person who would say "humanism, not feminism".  I've grown past that, I'd like to think.

There are three reasons for how I got past that:

1) I am all for human rights.  I'm all for women's rights.  So why not lump the two together?  The reason I found was that the struggle for women's rights was so important and so necessary that it shouldn't be lumped in with the greater category.  It's like saying "vegetables, not corn".  I am a master of the analogy, I am.

2) The people behind the feminist label scared me.  Some still do.  Not in the for-my-life way, blessedly, but… they're all so angry, all the time, about things that aren't hard to deal with.  There's the standard "Woman walks alone in an alley or goes to a bar by herself… then what?" story, and my response was to suggest that the woman take protective or preventative measures to handle such a situation.

It genuinely took me looking past the easy pragmatism to figure that while yes, women should protect themselves in dangerous situations, certain dangerous situations shouldn't fucking happen to begin with.  I've seen people state, with a distinct lack of irony, that by focusing on the fact that it shouldn't happen, I'm advocating not being prepared.  This is solid either/or thinking, and is a pile of crap besides.  I find that I have enough space to contain both "What can I do to assist in cutting down on said dangerous situations?" and "While the dangerous situations still occur, I will take measures to protect myself".

3) Feminism is still needed.  When a woman cannot get EC because all of the doctors and nurses she contacts say she has to be married or raped to get it… when a Muslim leader compares women to chunks of meat, in an effort to shame them into staying indoors… when, hello, clitoridectomies still exist anywhere in the world… yes, feminism is still needed.

(I'm kind of proud of myself that I remembered how to spell "clitoridectomies" without referring to a dictionary.  Etymology is my friend.)

One thing that still puts me off is the idea of arguing.  I don't remember facts well, and I tend to get overly emotional besides (I know the difference between being passionate and getting flustered, and believe me, I'm the latter), both of which make it difficult for me to hold my own in debate.  All I have is the vague hope that I'll remember enough to stay afloat, and the hope that the other person will see that I'm passionate for a reason, and maybe will investigate to see what the reason is.

Of course, experience bears out that in the middle of a debate, most people don't genuinely give a damn about the other POV, except for just enough to fuel their own arguments.  But now I'm getting annoyed again.  Mmph.

At any rate.  The solution for this isn't to draw back from arguments, it's to engage in them.  Learn the facts, argue with people, refine my thinking as I go.  So, here I am, stating that I'm a feminist, and going from there.