2009-11-15 11:12 | Feminism in daily life.

I'm trying to type this out on low coffee.  A blanket "I hope you know what I mean" should be applied to this post.  Feel free to poke if you don't.

Last night, my boyfriend Josh and I were nattering about the word "slut", for whatever reason.  (I honestly can't recall how it came up.)  He was arguing that in his experience, the word is used in a gender-neutral sense.  I argued that not so much in mine.  (Reclaiming words did come up, but this post is long enough as it is.  *wry*)

I eventually found some words for it, explaining that in American culture, it's generally expected that men will have sex, whereas it's expected that women (the "good" women, anyhow) will not, so much.  Women are supposed to wait until marriage or love, and aren't generally supposed to be the pursuers.  Men are supposed to be the pursuers, to have the sexual experience, and so forth.  See also the difference in meaning between a woman being a virgin versus a man being a virgin.  So if men are expected to have sex whenever they can get it… how on earth would "slut", the pejorative term ("you have sex a lot and that's bad and you're bad for doing it"), even apply to men?  That seemed to get through.

Josh: But I'd really prefer it if it were gender-neutral.
Me: I'd prefer it if the word were meaningless.  Because seriously, why the fuck should anyone care about how much sex someone is getting?  I sure don't.
Josh: …point.

He made mention, disclaiming first that he didn't want to offend me, that you know… there are better things to get angry about than this.  (And yeah, I was getting angry.  "Sometimes it's frustrating, arguing for oppressive bullshit to be recognised.")  I didn't take offense, because I knew what he meant, and he wasn't trying to tell me not to be angry.  I responded with two things:

1) I understand that it doesn't seem to make sense on the outside to care so much about, for example, sexist terms, when there are larger things in the world that need addressing.  However, I believe that it is just as important to pay attention to fixing the small things as well as the big things.  It's like the difference between massive landscaping and pulling out some weeds.  Pulling out the occasional weed might not seem like a lot when compared to landscaping, but it's just as important, goddammit.  Teaspoons.

And in the case of sexist terminology, how can it possibly be unimportant to address language, which is not just how we express our thoughts, but how our thoughts are shaped?  (Chicken/egg, yay.)  Goodness.

1a) Not to mention, grassroots stuff helps me feel useful.  I'm one person; I cannot single-handedly stop rape from ever happening again.  I barely feel powerful enough to help change laws on even a local scale, for heaven's sake.  But I can poke at language and assumptions in those I talk to, and sometimes I'm heard, and sometimes there's change.  And that pleases me.

2) Okay really, like I can't both be concerned about sexist terms and work towards fixing the world on a larger scale?  C'mon.  Him: "Yeah, fair."

Josh: I feel like I just walked into the middle of a Livejournal conversation!
Me: *cracks up*

–

Related to point 1a:

So, Josh and I were sitting outside the bar, and one of the regulars came out to pop across the street for something.

Him: What's up, brothers?
Me: I've got tits.
Him: …what?
Me: I'm not a brother!  I'm like right here!
Him: *cracks up*  All right!

Later, he saw a couple that he was friendly with, so he went up and said "My brother, my sister, what's up?".

Me, to Josh: Hey, it worked!
Josh: He tends to pick up on things.

Poking at language stuff isn't always "Let us stop the conversation and consider the terms you chose to use".  Sometimes, joking does work.

–

And completely random:

Me: I use Spike TV as an example of how feminists couldn't possibly hate men more than men do.
Josh: *snorts*
Me: Sometimes I think that men get all shirty about feminists hating men because we're horning in on their market.

It was some commercial for a show on there, about some stunt guy that basically gets shot, rides his motorcycle at full speed into a wall, and so and so and so forth, before it went back to that one sport where two barefoot guys beat the shit out of each other.  Uhhh-huh.

2009-08-15 13:50 | Onwards to the feminist stuff.

Two posts have been stuck in my tabs for the past week or so.

1) The Terrible Bargain We Have Regretfully Struck, at Shakesville, by Melissa McEwan.  It's hard to find one good quote out of that essay, as I would end up quoting the entire thing.  I suppose one that would kind of summarise the post:

These things, they are not the habits of deliberately, connivingly cruel men. They are, in fact, the habits of the men in this world I love quite a lot.

All of whom have given me reason to mistrust them, to use my distrust as a self-protection mechanism, as an essential tool to get through every day, because I never know when I might next get knocked off-kilter with something that puts me in the position, once again, of choosing between my dignity and the serenity of our relationship.

Swallow shit, or ruin the entire afternoon?

This is entirely exactly it.

2a) Harriet Jacobs wrote at Fugitivus about making rape jokes, and it is a good post, but one thing stuck out as something that hadn't occurred to me:

Whenever you hear about the epidemic number of women who are raped, bear in mind that there is an equally epidemic number of rapists.

So telling rape jokes isn't just bad because statistically speaking you might be telling this around a rape victim.  It's bad because statistically speaking, you might also be telling this around a rapist, or potential rapist.  And so you're contributing to the notion that rape jokes are just fine.

I have already nattered about how one can contribute to such things simply by being quiet.  I already know that rape jokes are perfectly awful for a myriad of reasons.  Just for some reason, that phrasing brought home to me, again, that the only reason why rape happens is that rapists exist, and also that I can't, just by looking, tell who they are.

Right, back under the covers for me.

2b) In that same post, she also wrote about jokes being a way to relieve tension.  Quote:

Jewelbeard is extremely liberal. He wants to help people regain their civil rights. He is pro-choice, he is pro-gay, he professes a unremarkable and unverified affinity to anti-racism. But he cannot stop calling his cats filthy sluts, or acting like a fucking asshole in D&D.

[...]

The bear confronted Jewelbeard with his zany douchebag antics, and Jewelbeard offered the excuse he always does: “It’s to relieve tension.” He went on to explain that he totally isn’t sexist — I mean, he’s pro-choice and everything! — and he completely respects women and sexism is wrong like definitely totally, but gaming is his place to cut loose and so that’s why he acts that way when he games.

There is nothing wrong with having a place and a time to relieve built-up tension. But by shifting the argument thataways, Jewelbeard neatly sidestepped the question of why there is a tension build-up in the first place. He is basically admitting that not getting to call women bitches and whores and treat them like he hates them on a daily basis creates an intolerable tension within him, and it must be let out somehow.

More for my "Gah, yes, this!" file. Absolutely.

2009-07-16 08:20 | Feminist parenting blogs.

As I'm currently entertaining the idea of having a child, I've been collecting feminist parenting blogs.

On the one hand, feminists are more likely to be women, so the prevalence of "mother" over "parent" makes sense.  On the other hand, grr.  That's for a later post, though.

Anyways.

• Mothers for Women's Lib: "Feminism changes a mother, and motherhood changes a feminist – here is a place for us to talk about raising our children as feminist mothers, the challenges we face, or feminist issues which are especially important to us as mothers. As feminist mums, we have a unique take on this thing we call feminism, and we have a lot to say!"
• Raising My Boychick – Feminist Thoughts Inspired By Parenting A Presumably Straight White Male: "I'm a walking contradiction: knitting feminist fulltime parent, Wiccan science-minded woowoo massage student, queer-identified male-partnered monogamist, body-loving healthy-eating fat chick, unmedicated sane and stable bipolar. But it feels all-me."
• Rebel Raising: "This is a personal blog. I know. Awful, isn't it? It's mostly about mothering two small kids as someone who's a feminist, queer and environmental activist."
• Attached Feminist (infrequently updated): "1. To provide a forum for older women to share information and advice with younger women 2. To discuss the intersection of feminism and motherhood in America today 3. To promote awareness of Attachment Theory 4. To compile the wisdom of women of all life stages into policy recommendations 5. To get women-friendly policy ideas into the hands of policy makers"
• Free-Range Kids: "So I started this site for anyone who thinks that kids need a little more freedom and would like to connect to people who feel the same way. We are not daredevils. We believe in life jackets and bike helmets and air bags. But we also believe in independence. Children, like chickens, deserve a life outside the cage. The overprotected life is stunting and stifling, not to mention boring for all concerned. So here's to Free Range Kids, raised by Free Range Parents willing to take some heat. I hope this web site encourages us all to think outside the house."
  - This one is not explicitly feminist, but it is still tremendously useful and valuable.
• Daddy Dialectic: "Daddy Dialectic started as Jeremy's journal of his experience as a stay-at-home dad. Today Daddy Dialectic is a group blog by and about dads who embrace caregiving and egalitarian relationships, a definition of fatherhood that we believe is more in tune with the landscape of 21st Century America."
  - I am super-interested in this one, because Josh is interested in being a stay-at-home parent, and I want lots and lots of paths for how to dismantle the "mother == nurturing; father == provider" nonsense.
• blue milk: "blue milk is part 'blue stocking' and part 'mother'. It is a journal of experiences. I write about what's on my mind."

If you have others, please feel free to share.

2009-02-16 12:38 | Alas, poor rock music.

Have you ever suddenly realised a writing style of yours, and suddenly you can't un-notice it?  This has been bugging me recently.

Anyways.  One big feminist sticking point for me has been that I like a lot of things that could never be called feminist, and I don't want to give them up.  I like them.  I don't want to never see a show again due to my being a feminist.

The lovely thing is, that's not how feminism goes.  From my experience, most* feminist-folk don't say "You can't do $thing, that's not feminist enough!".  They mostly say, "Do as you like, but try to recognise when it's non-feminist."  Like shaving my legs.  I do not shave my legs just for myself.  I shave my legs because that's what's expected of women from society, and I have wicked rippin' anxiety that makes the cost of not shaving higher than I can usually pay.  It's not a feminist act, unless I feel some bizarre need to say "Taking care of my mental health is feminist"… except, where'd that anxiety come from?  Eh?

* 10% of any group is composed of assholes.  Feminism is a group.  Ergo…

I'm losing track.  Anyways.

I have, though, been turned off whole things before due to the poor treatment of women.  For example, I tried watching Star Trek: The Original Series from cover to cover, as my roommates have the whole series on DVD.  And while I do love me some Star Trek, I couldn't keep watching.  I have more experience with the books than with the show, and in the books, women have more character, more experience, more bloody usefulness as people.  I stopped watching in the middle of season 3.  The first to get me full of rage was The Empath, where the star alien was a beautiful mute emotional empath human-looking female.  I fast-forwarded over whole chunks of that episode, because argh, I could not stand it.  And then, right after, Elaan of Troyius.  A savage royal woman is being married to a member of the opposing side in order to stop a war.  She throws huge tantrums, but when Kirk wears her down, she falls apart, says she's worried she won't be liked, and then …"begins to treat him as a loving equal, obeying him when he asks her to go to sickbay (the safest part of the ship)" (source).

…what?  What?  WHAT??

I stopped watching ST:TOS entirely.  I'd been having problems before, but those two episodes, back-to-back, turned me off the show.  I still appreciate it for the forward-thinkingness it had for its time, but I just got goddamn sick and tired of watching women be thorough stereotypes nearly all the damn time.  As I said to my roommate, "I have better things to do than watch women be treated like crap some more."

Music has a way bigger hold on me.  I love to sing.  I sing in the shower, I sing at my computer, I sing when I'm in the middle of a conversation but hold on this part is really good… yeah.  I love it a leetl beet.  And so when I run into songs that are terrible from a feminist standpoint, often I'll let it slide, because that song is familiar and fun to sing to and… I don't want to give it up.  It's part of my nostalgia-things, and I don't want to have to give it up.

On the other hand, if I never ever hear a song that uses the phrase "like a child" to describe the (male) singer's (female) love interest, it will be too goddamn soon.  Minor examples:

* Steppin' Out – Joe Jackson
* Wild World – Cat Stevens
* She's Always A Woman – Billy Joel
* Wicked Garden – STP
* Walks Like A Lady – Steve Miller Band

The song that actually got me considering all this is I Can't Quit Her by Blood, Sweat & Tears.  I otherwise loved the song, but it kept making me itch.  After the third time it randomly came up and I skipped it, it occurred to me that I can give up things I love if they bother me enough.  I am not required to give things up, but it seems I will anyways, because argle bargle, aggravating.

Dear $item:

I… think we shouldn't see each other any more.  I'm really sorry.  It's not you, it's me – I've changed, as a person, and I don't think we have as much in common any more.  We're seeking different things from life.  I'll always love you, but it's time for me to move on.

Be well,

-X

I'm not going to root through my music collection and get rid of everything that's feministically terrible… but apparently, neither am I going to sit back and listen to it forever. Good to know.

2009-02-16 10:25 | Today's links for today.

Things that have made me sit up and take notes.

1. Spinster aunt eradicates male viewpoint at I Blame The Patriarchy:
   

   Hear me, O afflicted dudes: If you truly do "get" feminism, you know that, like all oppressed classes, women, as a matter of survival, are intimate to the point of exhaustion with the drives, appetites, illnesses, angsts, yearnings, hopes, dreams, great works, and bodily functions of the oppressor. We grasp these things utterly and without omission because we do not live in a cave; they are the default subjects of all art, literature, music, science, film, blogs, dinner conversation, science fiction, advertising, journalism, legislation, TV, the Internet, religion, technology, sport, and miscellaneous culture both low and high. The minute some dude tells me something I don't already know about dudeliness, I'll eat a bonobo.

2. the_red_shoes reviews Dollhouse – be sure to read the comments.  I didn't much want to watch it even before I read reviews.
3. Why sleep with a boy? Oh goodness, see the comments again.

2008-02-06 09:59 | Goodbye, goodbye.

2007-10-11 08:49 | The best "feminist card" comment ever.

This is, by far, the best comment I've ever seen that had to do with "If I don't do [xyz], am I no longer a feminist?":

While I'm all for fighting this on principle, do I have to turn in my feminist card if I want to choose my battles?

The goal of posts like this is consciousness raising; let's look at the sexist subtext of these things so many people for granted. That doesn't mean if you choose to do those things you are Cast Out of the Feminist Circle for All Eternity. It's not about maintaining ideological purity, it's about analyzing the attitudes underlying this sort of thing. We all compromise with the patriarchy just to survive, so if that's one of the compromises you feel like you have to make, so be it. Just acknowledge that it's a compromise. So many people feel attacked when things like this are analyzed through a feminist lens, but it's absolutely necessary to do it in order to show the omnipresent patriarchal attitudes. This isn't about judging the individual people living their lives, but challenging the meaning of traditions that demean women and treat us as possessions without autonomy.

- LivvySidhe

2007-04-28 00:07 | That's a good goddamn question.

zuzu at Feministe asks a great question:

Why is this not called terrorism?

In other news, go ye forth and read this speech given by Emmeline Pankhurst in 1913.

2006-10-28 00:09 | Feminism and my brain.

I used to be the sort of person who would say "humanism, not feminism".  I've grown past that, I'd like to think.

There are three reasons for how I got past that:

1) I am all for human rights.  I'm all for women's rights.  So why not lump the two together?  The reason I found was that the struggle for women's rights was so important and so necessary that it shouldn't be lumped in with the greater category.  It's like saying "vegetables, not corn".  I am a master of the analogy, I am.

2) The people behind the feminist label scared me.  Some still do.  Not in the for-my-life way, blessedly, but… they're all so angry, all the time, about things that aren't hard to deal with.  There's the standard "Woman walks alone in an alley or goes to a bar by herself… then what?" story, and my response was to suggest that the woman take protective or preventative measures to handle such a situation.

It genuinely took me looking past the easy pragmatism to figure that while yes, women should protect themselves in dangerous situations, certain dangerous situations shouldn't fucking happen to begin with.  I've seen people state, with a distinct lack of irony, that by focusing on the fact that it shouldn't happen, I'm advocating not being prepared.  This is solid either/or thinking, and is a pile of crap besides.  I find that I have enough space to contain both "What can I do to assist in cutting down on said dangerous situations?" and "While the dangerous situations still occur, I will take measures to protect myself".

3) Feminism is still needed.  When a woman cannot get EC because all of the doctors and nurses she contacts say she has to be married or raped to get it… when a Muslim leader compares women to chunks of meat, in an effort to shame them into staying indoors… when, hello, clitoridectomies still exist anywhere in the world… yes, feminism is still needed.

(I'm kind of proud of myself that I remembered how to spell "clitoridectomies" without referring to a dictionary.  Etymology is my friend.)

One thing that still puts me off is the idea of arguing.  I don't remember facts well, and I tend to get overly emotional besides (I know the difference between being passionate and getting flustered, and believe me, I'm the latter), both of which make it difficult for me to hold my own in debate.  All I have is the vague hope that I'll remember enough to stay afloat, and the hope that the other person will see that I'm passionate for a reason, and maybe will investigate to see what the reason is.

Of course, experience bears out that in the middle of a debate, most people don't genuinely give a damn about the other POV, except for just enough to fuel their own arguments.  But now I'm getting annoyed again.  Mmph.

At any rate.  The solution for this isn't to draw back from arguments, it's to engage in them.  Learn the facts, argue with people, refine my thinking as I go.  So, here I am, stating that I'm a feminist, and going from there.